Panic, Panic, Panic

Okay so for the last three months I have been away trying to take care of some personal needs, it has really been hell, literally. I've hated it, I've hated who it made me be, I hated seeing my boys suffer because I let this illness get so bad. I honestly never thought in a million, gazillion years I would be the one taken down by a panic disorder. I have been on so many medications, our medicine cabinet looked like a 90 year old lived here. Some of the medications made me so sick, I lost about 25 pounds (it's baaaack though, and it sucks!), I was nauseated ALL the time (people thought I was pregnant, and I had actually WISHED that's what the case was, it was SOO bad). There were times I had to call Aaron in the middle of the store and have him walk me through these attacks (it was horrible!). I've even had to leave a basket full of groceries because an attack had started. Let me just say I have the most AMAZING husband, and boys and family. They might not fully understand what I am going through, but I have a hand to hold through these times.

If I could change the title of the book the "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No good, very bad day", it would be called "Crystal and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad 3 months". The panic got so bad, I had to rely on others to help take care of my little family, which was SOOOO hard for me to do, that being said my little Brenner's blood sugar has been out of control. Please pray for us to get him under control again. Like I said before I didn't know that panic could seriously debilitate someone this bad. I had no clue who this monster was inside me, and I'm still trying to figure it out. My medication I am on currently, seems like it might be the winner (fingers crossed), but I am still pretty heavily medicated. So yep, that means I have a TON of restrictions, and it sucks rocks!

We have had to miss out on a lot of things due to this stupid disorder, but I'm hoping to see the light at the end of this tunnel and get my butt back out and start running again. I just hope this doesn't affect my littles. I love those boys so much, and I have been SO blessed to have Aaron around. He has had to be the mom and dad, and it kills me. It kills me to have to sit back and watch, but I learned from a really good friend of mine, that these trials and struggles help us get stronger (I'm just worried about what's next -ha, ha). Like I need any more worries, that's what got me here in the first place.

I'm sitting here waiting for time to pass so I can check on my little man. His blood sugars have been sooooo bizarre. Today his blood sugar has been reading HI (which means he's been over 600 for about 6 hours--SCARY), I'm waiting for my two hour mark to check him, so I can sleep and pass him off to Aaron for a couple hours. This little kid worries me, he worries Tanner, and he worries his dad. We just applied for a Diabetes Alert Dog for our Brenner and we are praying and crossing our fingers for one of these awesome dogs, but for right now I'm Brenner's diabetes alert mom. The panic has set in, and it'll probably last until the morning when I know my little guy is okay.

Through all of this, I've learned that medicine is okay to take. I've never been fond of taking medications because I didn't want to be one of those people (ha, ha), but I know that there is a reason for these medications. I still HATE being on medications and can't wait to get back to my "normal", but for the time I'm getting there. I've had an awesome friend that has helped me through a lot of this, and I've had an awesome co-worker/friend that has helped me off the side since right now we are uninsured. I'm telling ya, this has sucked, but we sure have been blessed. It has seriously made our family stronger, prayers will be answered, and one day we will see the light again.